Attachment.

As soon as we are born, we need to rely on and bond/attach with our caregivers. The hope is that our attachment figures give us confidence that we are not alone in a large and chaotic world. For all of us, these early experiences shape the way we depend on others and embrace our emotions later in life. So attachment is our literal historical blueprint of how to adapt and soothe.

Attachment theory is the theory of threat management. It tells me the more important a person is to me, the stronger my emotions will be when we’re disconnected. We’re talkin’ about those physiological sensations (think stomach butterflies and tight throat) and instinctual moves (think fight and flight) that happen when our needs show up in our relationship. And then, when our relationship stays in distress for a prolonged period, we live more and more from our protective stances which makes having smooth communication nearly impossible.

To say that we all need to reliably and predictably attain warmth, responsiveness, and connection from our loved ones may sound obvious - after all, we are bonding mammals - however, depending on our social location and success in vulnerability, we may have an uphill climb.

So our attachment style is the built-in response system in those emotional rough waters. They are what partners do when they feel rejected or vulnerable.

Traumatic experiences can create extreme inner chaos for some of us. Most of the population falls somewhere on a continuum between cold and hot.

In those peak moments of relationship distress, which way do you lean? Do you typically go toward the issues or try to get away? Compare these two columns:

  • Fight for connection by pursuing

  • Sensitive to emotional distance

  • Push due to anxiety

  • Turn up the emotional heat

  • Go toward the problem

  • Give advice

  • Express displeasure

  • My body says activate!

  • Distress is often seen on the outside

  • Anxiously ruminate

  • “I will make you listen” stance

  • Expectation that comfort won’t be reliably available

  • Frequently monitor my importance

  • Feel low on their partner’s priority list

  • Amplify or catastrophize threats and hurt feelings

 

  • Protect the relationship by withdrawing

  • Sensitive to emotional friction

  • Distance due to overwhelm or fear

  • Turn down the emotional heat

  • Focus on problem-solving or taking action

  • Focus on the positive

  • Go logical

  • My body says deactivate or else!

  • Distress is often hidden on the inside

  • Avoid distressing attempts at engaging

  • “You can’t get to me” stance

  • Distract myself

  • Pride myself on self-reliance

  • Feel like a constant disappointment in their partner’s eyes

  • Minimize threats and hurt feelings

In Secure Relationships

Both partners:

  1. Can kindly ask for help and reassurance under stress

  2. Are accessible and emotionally responsive to their partner

  3. See how their actions shape their partner’s feelings

Listening in on their conversations, you might hear things like:

“I get anxious sometimes and need your reminders that you still enjoy spending time with me. When I get worried, I think I get critical without even realizing it.”

“When I see that look on your face all I can think is that I’ve failed again. I need to know that you see my efforts, even if I don’t get it right all the time.”